I Want to Throw My Phone at People

I sat in the cafeteria eating lunch with some friends. Students at other tables chatted with each other between bites of cheeseburgers and fries. Everything was peaceful. A normal school day.

During a lull in the conversation at my table, I took out my phone and aimlessly poked at it (like any normal 21st century college student would). But, staring down at the little screen was suddenly unbearable. I couldn’t focus, not even on something that required zero brain work.

That’s when I looked up. A girl with long brown hair and a bubbly personality sat a few feet away, chatting happily, oblivious to the thoughts running through my head.

I could throw my phone at her. And it would hurt. I’d just have to lift up my hand and toss it at this angle and it would hit her.

Somehow I felt it would be incredibly satisfying.

What.

In.

The.

World.

Of course, I would never do that.

I find these urges to perform violent acts has increased with my level of stress. Senior year has been a conglomeration of overwhelming levels of homework, uneasy relationships, fear of the future, and lack of sleep.

So, as the stress builds, the desire to kick squirrels and break windows has drastically increased.

That’s normal, isn’t it?

I wondered if anyone else experienced these random urges, so I admitted this desire to a friend. She said, “You should watch PSYCHO THOUGHTS by danisnotonfire. He talks about this.”

Dan talks about how he frequently conjures morbid or otherwise destructive situations with his imagination, such as a bears getting into his house and mauling everyone, him pushing strangers off subway platforms, and him tossing his Game Boy into a lake. Dan says because these are the strongest choices you could make in the moment (excluding the bear example), they’re incredibly appealing. Even if you don’t really want to do them.

I mean, why would I want to throw my laptop like a Frisbee?

Seriously.

That’s a terrible idea.

I don’t want to do that.

…

…

…

I kind of want to do it.

Point being, I have thoughts like these all the time. And they’re perfectly normal.

…

How would I murder you? What if I pushed you down a flight of stairs? What would I do with your body?

Uh.

I mean, I don’t think like that.

Never.

Feel free to leave your traumatizing scenarios in the comments below.